*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
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My next door neighbor just stole my gate and I want to confront him about it…
But I’m worried he might take a fence.
#Jokes
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
brian had himself a morning…
My patience has stretch marks.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.
I thought this was funny lol
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.