Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known

20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.

Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.

*first date*

Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!

Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!

My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.

The Rules

[in hell]

me: *sad* why am I here?

satan: you’re a murderer

me: what? no I’m not

satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl

me: *blushing* aww

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.

I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”

[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine

I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.

Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.

National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.

Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?

-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.

Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*

NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.

me: *hiding from kidnapper*

kidnapper: *sneezes*

me: BLESS YOU!

A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.

Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”

I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe

My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.

An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.

king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store