*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
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Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Krampus.
So we got a goldfish…
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.