Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked

I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”

-Ground hogs

they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too

is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!

those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz

I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face

Him: I’m a morning person

Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??

opening a flower shop called women in stem

Not all heroes wear capes….

[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?

her: probably “ethereal,” it means-

me: mine is “shuttlecock.”

dog owners: their name is buddy

cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake

🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵

heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”

My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.

I mean…but I did

When ur friends with white people

Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me

Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car

the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school

Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way

5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.

Apparently I am the fly.

Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.

If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner