*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
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One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
kids play hide and seek like
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Human are so complicated
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers