*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
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I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
who did the taste test?
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower