*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
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love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.