Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.

A guy just commented on how classy I am

So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”

Perfect

Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.

Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”

This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.

Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”

While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.

Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.

Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”

It’s been a terrible year for burglars

Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”

😭😭

When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.

my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer

I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.

You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.

I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.

I was on a search party in the forest last night.

Bit of a boring party.

We found a dead guy though.

Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.

Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.

And I’ve said too much.

restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.

Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that

Me: Mow the lawn.

Son: I don’t want to.

Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.

A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.