Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think this was a scene from “The Birds”

Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”

HIM: I love reading big novels.

ME: No kidding, so do I!

*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*

Me: *buys item from online retailer*

Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW

There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

I bet i could still be a stuntman

[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]

Okay maybe not

[first day as a bartender]

*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat

my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago

Yes

[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me

FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.

[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]

Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.

[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]

Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO

Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.

djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background

My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.

I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope

[playing flight simulator]

this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano

not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it

This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.

judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead

owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor

25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:

1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.

2. This is serious, why so many?

3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”

*shakes tambourine*

“Got any others?”

*shakes tambourine*

“Sounds a lot like the last one”

Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.

HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!

My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.

Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.

My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.