Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.

Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere

if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long

He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.

It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”

A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.

“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement

Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*

Therapist: that’s not how this works

All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.

My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out

[first day as doctor]

ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news

PATIENT: what is it

ME: I amputated the wrong hand

I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship

Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.

Me: *they’re.

It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.

DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change

ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage

Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.

Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.

My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.

surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”

here is what. i plan to accomplish today:

2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat

I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.

Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?

Date: uhh

Bruce: my regular normal carmobile

I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.

one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name

Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.

Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.

Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.

“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls

Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?