Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[meeting with boss]

“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”

“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”

Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”

casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet

My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”

Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.

Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here

There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”

So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol

Torturer: you shock him this time

Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle

Torturer: no not— wait really

snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?

He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.

I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again

My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past

I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.

Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?

Me: *wearing white shirt*

Every food in the universe: GET HIM!

I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.

If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.

Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.

Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.

They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.

How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.