Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HULK WANT LOAN

Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.

GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*

Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.

I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.

The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”

“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman

“£20,000 and she’s all yours”

I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.

I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.

Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.

Me: Your wifi isn’t working

Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!

Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder

The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.

Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?

Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide

Headache Protip:

Bang your toe into something.

If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!

Husband: ….

People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.

Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.

I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.

They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”

Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic

My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.

The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*

Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy

I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool

Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.

FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*

JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic