*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
You Might Also Like
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.