Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Go ahead caller”

Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…

I’m sick of everybody in this house.

-me, who lives alone.

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.

I can’t deal with men any longer

Virtual school adventures

6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.

Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.

6: Can i watch something on my tablet?

I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.

Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend

[spelling bee]

Your word is ’embarrassing’

“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”

No, it’s really ’embarrassing’

“Ok, I promise not to laugh”

Gf: Let’s role-play

Me: Ok you be a writer

Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write

Me: ooh that’s good

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.

[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids

I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.

doctor: how often do you exercise

me: does sex count

doctor: yes

me: twice a day

doctor: with other living ppl?

me: why would you specify living

doctor: just answer

me: no I don’t exercise

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

Inspirational Quote Of The Day..

UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”

[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?

If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.

Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.

If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go

Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.

Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite

Me (acing this date):

When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.

What do you want him to do?

Fry yam?

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

I am a(n):

⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
 
seeking:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries

*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost