Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?

I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream

WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF

*pretends floor is lava*

*looks around*

*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*

When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.

It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.

kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him

I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

me: what drink ya got there?

11: a smoothie I made

me: oh. What’s in it??

11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.

me: and you won’t eat a tomato.

Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.

ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking

My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.

A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.

Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”

“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.

ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.

By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies

When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.

Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?

3-year-old: Babies are jerks.

Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing

So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life

me: i just love traveling!

my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about

My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?

I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.