Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”

*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*

Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”

kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter

I’m too lazy to be a superhero. If I had laser eyes I’d probably just use them to heat soup or something

Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me

Murderer: lol

23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.

God: please stop screaming.

Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!

God: you aren’t a ghost bear.

Polar Bear: are you sure?

God: that’s just how you look.

Polar Bear: oh. ok.

[Swan flies by]

God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!

The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.

Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages

shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool

judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag

Him: sir this is a food bank

Me: put all the broccoli in the bag

“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”

*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*

rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.

Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”

If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”

My kids: We’re bored!

Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.

I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.

Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.

The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it

Son: the devil made me do it

Me: what did I say about that

Son: not to call my sister the devil

Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.

TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*