*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
You Might Also Like
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences