*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
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My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
We found love in a hopeless place.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.