*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
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I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’