*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
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life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Simple enough.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
spicy snake
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
i was dropped as an adult
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.