*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
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this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
I get sad when I see how old people my age are.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir