*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
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5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Same post same
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.