*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
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TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
😭😭😭
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
