Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫

When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.

I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.

It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works

falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me

My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.

Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail

I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*

What’s your theory?

That money can buy happiness.

them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus

I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.

Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?

I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early

WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you

[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]

ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run

Bootstraps

My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free

Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?

Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really

Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please

King Solomon: *sweating*

Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”

The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose

I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.

[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”

ALERT

At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.

Last seen in the word “Let’s”.

If you see it, please send it home.

Its tweet misses it.

Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.

My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two

GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets

ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.

*violence noises

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*