*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
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Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Science memes
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Its true…
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?