[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
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My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser