[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
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3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
had to make it
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Please vote for people who are attractive
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
finally
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?