Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”

Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter

Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.

A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.

[at a party]

*taps wife’s shoulder*

I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?

(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)

“What?”

money maker

If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?

I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late

Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here

I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.

My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.

Customer: can you help me?

Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?

Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.

I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.

Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.

Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.

For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.

Woke up against my better judgement again

Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese

Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood

If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.

*presses lips against mic*

I wished I sanitized this first

Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost

One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.

[about to have sex]

me: fasten your seatbelt

her: oooh you’re good huh

me: no this is a race car bed

Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?

This is me 🤣🤣

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:

My kids don’t live there.

I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.

I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.