Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe

Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?

My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.

Me: *select all, delete*

“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”

Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.

This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.

casino dealer: ok all bets on the table

cat: [pushes bets off the table]

dealer: stop that are you in or out

cat: YES

Judge: You need supervision.

Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.

I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.

Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.

Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.

My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital

Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.

can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”

“Do you have any children?”

Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.

Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak

me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .

me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .

I wish I were a Jedi.

I don’t want to use the Force or anything.

I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.

saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad

Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*

*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver

Running from your problems is cardio .

If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!

– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.