Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*

Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.

My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.

As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.

ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.

MY BRAIN:

me: I need to speak with the megaster

megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers

This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂

Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.

pirate: walk the plank

someone’s dad: is this teak?

I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.

Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss

Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.

This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.

“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”

-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.

My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:

Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat

*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually

ACCEPTABLE RISK

Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.

Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically

100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree

Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!

Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.

College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.