I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
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I like to make things awkward on first dates just by shouting “wrong hole!!” at inappropriate times, like when you’re eating.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Until you can’t kill a spider with an e-book, Print media will live.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
I’m going as “Twitter Elite” for Halloween. I’m going to randomly say unfunny things and not talk to anyone who speaks to me.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?