*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
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Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.