*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*

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I like to make things awkward on first dates just by shouting “wrong hole!!” at inappropriate times, like when you’re eating.


I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains


SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot


Until you can’t kill a spider with an e-book, Print media will live.


wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.

me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*

wife: that’s better.

me: *puts on formal hulk hands*


Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.

Me: Seriously?

Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.


I’m going as “Twitter Elite” for Halloween. I’m going to randomly say unfunny things and not talk to anyone who speaks to me.


4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?

Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.

4: Mom is at your work?


ME: And this is my daughter.

HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?

ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?