*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
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Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy