*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
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Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!