Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria

U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier

HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.

I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.

Good morning!

When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are

Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops

Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway

9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later

9:33 a.m. technically this is later

Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?

Me: Your head.

Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.

ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS

PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die

I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂

[gf comes home after spray tanning]

Hey, orange you looking good!

“Thanks”

Anytime, pumpkin!

“You’re sweet”

You’re one in vermillion!

I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.

If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention

What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”

“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”

I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel

Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!

*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*

Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—

*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*

It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.

Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.

what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese

All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.

WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.

None of them got out for a bathroom break.

Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.

My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.

ME: I’d like a free burrito

CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free

ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one

ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.

“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS