Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.

Friend: Oh, OCD?

Me: Children.

Vacation Summary:

I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.

[first day as doctor]

me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep

patient: how can you tell?

me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders

HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive

All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.

I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”

Me, “*You’re.”

May have lost a new client but they learned something today.

Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.

How did people charge their phones before electricity?

accurate

Rude much 😂😂😂

[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”

It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.

For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.

me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets

insomnia: me either

According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.

Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?

old lady: that’s not necessary

me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online

I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms

I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin

I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile

Then walk into a wall

I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.

Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.

I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open

probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.

grampa: why are u always on ur phone

me: why didn’t u stop hitler

If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?

Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?

Me: I ordered it battered

Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*

Me: Thanks

“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”

You can’t make this shit up 😩

(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)

Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’

Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’