Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am

Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏

I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.

there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?

Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..

Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.

The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.

I love books.

How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.

Except when I’m moving to a new place.

Then I hate books.

I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.

[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else

boss: u should’ve been here at 9

me: why what happened at 9

Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

ME: Hey, what are you building?

PAL: A new kitchen counter

ME: That seems…

PAL: Please don’t

ME: …counterproductive

I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.

A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator

Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed

at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further

winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look

My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”

Her: Our youngest is 98 months.

Me: What’s that in human people years?

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.

*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!

If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works

dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor

“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:

After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.

I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.