*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
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Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.