*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
You Might Also Like
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.