Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*

*Prius spins out of control*

Thug life.

That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.

Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.

~family owned restaurants.

if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds

My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”

My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.

My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.

Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.

[at home on video conference call]

Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.

*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*

Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*

*Remind you to drink water.

“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack

this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.

What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf

My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero

Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.

My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.

Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood

Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*

The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:

Dearly Beloved

Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?

Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him

Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong

Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!

Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…

Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”

Him:

Me: Go on…

You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.

Roses are red

Pizza sauce is too

I ordered a large

And none of its for you

They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.

I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.

Delightful if true: booby trap.

pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher

Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*