*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
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This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Sign at work today
#Caturday
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.