*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
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I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Breaking news:
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
genius
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can