*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
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I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
The most accurate map ever devised.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Delightful if true: booby trap.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family