Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Did you hear what I said?

Me: No, I was in a different room.

Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?

Me: …

[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second

I’m all “class”.

The first two letters really aren’t necessary.

Dr: You have palpitations

Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?

Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA

Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.

“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.

Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.

Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.

8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.

I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.

*except just then*

I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question

Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.

9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas

My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war

Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.

we all know this pain all too well

Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.

So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years

What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?

Impeccable.

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?

If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.

Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately

Me: Really?

5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for

Me: omg

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.

My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.

If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?