Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

“You’re a nice guy”

One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ

When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?

when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair

Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.

[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please

Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails

Obviously that’s not true

We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings

Kids these days, I tell ya

Me: Flirting is fun

Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.

*points at houseplant*

no, YOU have a drinking problem!!

One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.

Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ

My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.

Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.

Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”

I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.

Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself

Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.

It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”

popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things

ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.

HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?

Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it

Oh hi lol

My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.

Pleading insanity in small claims court

Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral

if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet

My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.

“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub