Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”

Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.

I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work

idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]

My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?

I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.

If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.

Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?

Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.

In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play

one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life

Me: Let me shift gears for just a second

Bus driver: Go back to your seat!

What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.

Autocarrot sucks!

Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.

Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked

Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order

Me: And I have some ideas

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

[police interrogation]

COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient

ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?

COP 1: What?

COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US

COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*

“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not

I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.

(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.

My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.

I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.

*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet

The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”

*octopus goes in for a palm reading*

Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”

When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.

Cilantro tastes like soap.

– People who eat soap, apparently

me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”

Me: I’m so lonely.

ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.