Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.

Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.

My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.

Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….

Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.

I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss

It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick

To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.

Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit

How to walk around a museum

I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.

I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭

[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it

ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth

You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*

went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …

[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine

look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat

Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”

I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.

I’m sure it’s fine.

My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.

5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!

*eats 3 fries*

5yo: Can I be done?

*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*

mama: stop that!

monkeys: why hahaha

mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you

My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.

And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”

life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS

In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.

5: are there people coming tomorrow?

me: no why?

5: well you guys cleaned the house