*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
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When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?