Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
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I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”
-memories of playing high school sports
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.