Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
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He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Shark week, but for squirrels.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.