Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
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It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances: