Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
You Might Also Like
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Happens to everyone.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.