Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.

I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches

History fun fact:

In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.

Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.

Nurse: The what?

Me: Just do it, ok.

Her: Where have you been?

Me: I went to see a shrink.

Her: Are you having emotional problems?

Me: No… I just want to be smaller.

What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?

Unemployed

therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?

it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you

(Outside at dusk)

Wife: Lovely evening.

Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.

So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …

When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?

That’s Bullshit.

*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY

people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.

Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.

What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?

Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.

Optional boss fight.

Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first

Naked and Afraid,

but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.

Mapping America’s Far Right

Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.

If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…

It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.

When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.

Okay I’ll bite. What’s this “football” everyone is talking about

I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?

Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops

Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.

[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help

ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all

I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]