Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
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Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Our lord and savoury.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
that de-escalated quickly
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.