You Might Also Like
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”