holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
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If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Why am I like this?
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Me: [smiling]
Phone: face not recognized
Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]
Phone: oh there you are
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
the saddest jazz hands ever
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen