holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
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Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
good let them take over I have had enough
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
there has never been a better use of this meme
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls