Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
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My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
felt that
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Adding “but that’s just me” after giving the absolute worst dogshit advice to a coworker
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever