Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”

My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film

One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.

Him: How did he die?

Me: He was attacked by a group of crows.

Him: A murder?

Me: Well, he’s clearly not still alive, Kevin.

Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.

garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move

Why aren’t more people talking about this?

today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.

*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!

That 👊

This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.

odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.

[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space

Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.

Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back

My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.

my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔

You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)

I have a new favorite conspiracy theory

Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.

me: are u 2 girls from England

them: Wales u idiot

me: sorry are u 2 whales from England

A roomba that swears every time it hits something.

My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.

some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]

i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis

Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”

I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano

I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship

instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed