Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week

Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably

***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people

Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space

CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]

Roses are red,
Daisies are free.

I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.

My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”

Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”

Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.

saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?

just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit

ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?

GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?

Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?

Writer: Mission Impossible 9!

Producer: BRILLIANT!

Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost

Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking

I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa

Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.

I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….

That makes 7,427 days in a row.

Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.

mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san

daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?

mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd

I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”

7YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y..

7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing

don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.

The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault

“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in

[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?

[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me

When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.

You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…

….vocabulary.