Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
You Might Also Like
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it
My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’tMe: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn