Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.

Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.

Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.

A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.

[9 PM, Sunday night]

Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.

Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.

KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices

Me: Does that include salt and pepper?

KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices

Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday

someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat

I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?

ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single

If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.

[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*

Villain: Does crimes.

Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.

What am I gonna do with a river?

Could you cry me a beer?

Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv

So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.

I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.

make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight

I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)

he chose this

Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.

“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.

“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.

You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.

Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.