hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
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[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
sailors wish they could swear like me
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
boat question
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.