Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
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All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*