Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.

#milo

watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed

The glory of fall.

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.

My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.

I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.

if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?

You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.

HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive

[Carpool]

Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car

Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station

Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem

Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*

Me: what are you-

Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!

Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!

It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.

Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.

Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?

“I’m taking a social media break.”

– People who will be back in 7 minutes.

a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway

Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”

Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.

[family WhatsApp group]

me: I’ll visit this weekend

dad: OK

mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…

mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold

If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders

also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes

be safe out there!

Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…

When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.

On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.

I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way

I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.

“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit

My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.