Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.

One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

Me trying to look natural in photos

This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.

❤️❤️❤️

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …

“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”

Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.

To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”

Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card

this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.

-my 12yo complimenting dinner

if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward

I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”

Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning

Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach

Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?

Me: No

Son: he’s in the ICU

[grocery store]

CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident

ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”

CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…

ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”

My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…

I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.

Commonly confused phrases:

In the same boat = We’re going through this together

On the same page = We understand each other

In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG

I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.

I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.

And that is why she will always be my favourite child.

Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?

Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”

[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!

Im at the swamp does anyone need anything

“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me