Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
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Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Pretty much. 🤣
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually