Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
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Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Bit chilly again tonight.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
“I’ve recently come into some money.”
*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
me after i passed that state trooper
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.