Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.

A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.

her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what

*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*

Sir, you wanna box for those?

“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”

I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.

Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.

📸: @lizandmollie

#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward

I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.

There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”

I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.

That is why I don’t flirt

Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.

H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.

Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.

I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂

Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”

It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.

Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying

Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning

Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting

Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?

twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE

twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.

Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.

And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.

If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean

Mom: Did you dye your hair?

* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *

How did you know?

Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.

WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:

•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.

me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News

my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News

Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about

Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.

Me: First of all that’s an inmate.

If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??

Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?