Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
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Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.
Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”
Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.