Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
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Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.