Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
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[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”
– Me yesterday
I regret everything….
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
awkward
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Breaking news:
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.