Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
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Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET