Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Genie: I want infinite bananas

Banana Salesman:

Genie: Do u see how annoying that is

Me: How was school?

6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?

Me: …because I want to know.

6: That’s not a very good reason.

I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

Avocado pits are exceptionally useful, in some unexpected ways.

I once smuggled an avocado pit in my prison wallet when I had to go to jail for a bit.

Three days later. I carefully removed it then artfully carved a lockpick out of it. When I was caught a week later in Florida, I refused to tell them how I’d escaped. The sheriff who drove me back to prison told me I had balls.

If only he knew the truth.

*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle

Jesus: I can turn water into wine.

Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]

There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.

The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:

Sup

Hello dear

Thanks for the follow!

Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?

I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.

“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.

God: you’re a llama.

Llama: I look ridiculous.

God: why do you say that?

Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.

God: that’s not true.

Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (

God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.

A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground

Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.

[Taken Nemo]

*Clam phone rings*

Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.

After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.

Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed

Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?

Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic

[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?

Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?

Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer

Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick

Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!

Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.

Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.

You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?

A book.

“our sushi is very fresh”

I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.

*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*

Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear

alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap

I’m attending a party tonight with The Missus. It’s a bunch of her coworkers who I don’t know.

The negotiations to get me to go went something like this:

The Missus: we have been invited to a New Year’s Eve party and we’re going.

Me: OK

[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]

“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”