[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
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If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
…..pretty much.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?